It’s just two days to go until my excision surgery at UCLH! I’m hopeful that the surgery is going to give me some relief and restore some quality of life. Unfortunately this means that tomorrow is the dreaded bowel prep day *sob*. Having undertaken one before I know what a miserable experience it is.
There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions rushing through my head at the moment, and everything just feels a bit difficult. It really isn’t easy to be an endo warrior. I never knew it was possible for my brain to be so busy. It is constantly like: Will this work? How much will it hurt? Will they tell me I’ll never have a child? I don’t want to die! I’m not going to die-don’t be stupid! What if the anesthetic doesn’t work? What if they bowel prep doesn’t work? What if you end up with a colostomy? Hey, it’s all worth it in the end if I start feeling better! But what IF I don’t feel better? And so on…
Despite all this ruminating I’m actually feeling quite numb overall and just want to get this whole ordeal over with. It seems that the terror/ excitement / anticipation are all counterbalancing each other.
I’ve also made the big/stupid/brave decision to take some time out of my PhD to get my head and body back into working order again. I won’t return to the office until January, and I am really grateful that I have this opportunity to just relax and focus on myself for once. No more pretending everything is OK. I know I’m lucky to be able to take a break, as this isn’t an option for so many people living with chronic illnesses who desperately need it.
So, I’m off now, but plan to post an update about my surgery experience as soon as I am well enough. Do take care of yourselves in the meantime! 🙂